Infinite Love

Today has been the hardest day. While I know we're eventually going to lose everyone we love, this one, along with my uncle's death, has been the roughest. I think maybe I have a hard time with death because I don't know what's after. I want to believe there's more. I want to believe we're here because the order of the universe has a plan that's beyond our comprehension. It's just really scary to think we won't exist someday.

this post has been in my drafts for a while now. and i'm still having a hard time coping with the loss. the night before Papa Tony died, i took the train to chicago b/c i had to get out and wanted to be around people. i found myself walking to a record store - i always feel at ease when i'm looking through records. while i was in line (buying a few dvds for class), my sister called, so i left reckless and stood under an awning trying not to break down. she put the phone on speaker so my grandpa could hear me and let me say my goodbyes. He couldn't speak, but he could hear me. i wanted to get off the phone so fast. i also wish i could have been there with my family while everyone said goodbye. it was weird being in a city full of people and feeling so alone. that's something i've always enjoyed about cities, but it was more this time.

something my grandpa and i shared was our love for jazz. i told my sister to play "in a sentimental mood" for Papa Tony that night she called. a while back i took that record from my grandpa's basement - it's the one jazz record i have of his.