11 January 2018

night drifts (pretty girls i used to know pt.2)

11 days in and 2018 has been a rollercoaster of feelings. There's a hole i'd like to crawl into, and no, not a butthole. That's gross. You know, when people (mostly guys) say they want someone to sit on their face, they should really ask themselves when the last time that person really cleaned out their b hole. b/c do you really want shit bits on your face? Now I understand some people might - it's their thing - but for the rest of us, i know there's a reason we wash our hands after we use the restroom. ANYWAY, i'm heading back to school in a few days and i don't really want to. i just want to work, find a girl who's kind as eff and gets me, start a family, grow, and tell myself i made it.

there was a girl who i saw at the NYE party i went to who had a vibe that radiated. she wasn't loud, she wasn't quiet, she just was. dancing and smiling with her friends. there's something about eyes that give away a person's soul - her eyes had a kindness and happiness, but i could tell there was something missing. she seemed a little sad too. idk, maybe she wanted to always feel the way she was feeling that night, dancing with her friends.
i don't know her; i didn't talk to her. and i'll probably never see her again. i promise i wasn't staring. you know how there are people you just notice and feel an affinity with? like, i get you and i think you get me.
my most recent ex didn't get me. she was kind, but always wanted something i wasn't. i knew that from the beginning. i tried changing. small changes. but i don't like not being me. i have to be me.
the other day i followed my ex before the most recent ex on instagram and we messaged each other for a little bit. i'm happy we can be friends. so maybe instead of "ex before most recent ex" i can just call her a friend. anyway, she was kind and understood me. long distance is hard though. and gets harder when other, more complicated factors are put into place.
idk why i'm sharing all this. i think maybe i just need an outlet. should really be writing my script outline though.
the grad students took me under their wing and are including me in their film project. makes me feel validated that i don't have to eff with other undergrads. b/c the kids in my class suck so much. there are maybe 2 or 3 doing cool things. that's it... out of all the film students, only a few actually care about what they make. dummies, yo. honestly, my work and grades are what's keeping me from feeling summer blues all year long. so much validation goes into being recognized by agencies who want to hire. i'm holding out for a few reasons though: 1. i'm making it a goal to finish my degree. 2. i'm in correspondence w/ a documentary producer from an NYC based publication that i would LOVE to work for and waiting to see what they say is more important than any job in illinois. 3. i don't have a penny to my name to go for a job in a different city.

it's all bittersweet. every last bit of it.

Nighttime Drifts (Pretty Girls I Used to Know pt.2) from yesoos

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